28 November 2008

the story behind my question...

i am(was) a habitual cheater. and that is not something i say with pride. throughout my three year relationship, i have slept with a number of different guys. i will refrain from saying how many, because it's embarassing.
from day one of my relationship, i put my all into it, because there was something about him... i wanted him all for me and me all for him. but i also wanted control, which is a bad habit of mine. i want to be queen of all around me, and things can't always be that way, i know this now. i attempted to wrap him around my finger, and i succeeded. for a second.
no man likes to be controlled, (and again, i know this now.) so obviously, this man is not going to be any different than the rest. all in all, it was just him trying to lessen the grasp i had on him. every human deserves their freedom, right? well i wasn't giving that to him. i didn't let him do anything, and he wanted to break free of that. at this point, i can't blame him for feeling that way. but the way he went about getting his freedom set me off.
he lied to me. a lot. but it's not like you think, you know? he never cheated. he lied about stupid shit. where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. a few times i checked his myspace and found out he was talking to his ex girlfriend behind my back. i confronted him about it and he said he was just talking to her to see if he could get some things back from her. i mean that's not a big deal persay, they were just talking. but i am a jealous woman, and i don't like to be lied to. and i like to play revenge games. those things don't mix. my motto: you do me dirty, i'll do it back ten times worse.
so, it was with this motive that i started cheating on him. simply because i was being lied to about the dumbest shit. yes, i know i was wrong. i know. but i obviously wasn't thinking straight back then.
him and i have been back and forth over and over in the relationship. we have broken up, gotten back together, with me always seeing another guy. i, in a sense, felt betrayed by him. because in the beginning i could never see myself doing that to him. i mean, i was crazy about him. but once you do my dirty in my eyes, thats it, you're in for it.
anyways, i'm sort of rambling. the main point here is that i cheated on him, a lot, because i felt betrayed. this year, we broke up for a few months. too much drama. over the summer i decided i wanted to get back with him. of course, because to this day, i am crazy about his ass, and little by little i'm starting to see that he never really did me wrong like i made it out to be.
we get back together and he moves in with me, and things are a little better. but a little worse on my part. because i've been sober for a year now and i am finally beginning to feel bad for all the shit i've done to him, and i have a guilty conscience that's strong as hell. it makes me accuse him to no end. it makes me want to control him more, so that he doesn't do to me what i did to him. i kick him out a few times in pure paranoia that he is cheating on me. i can't deal with this.
i realize what i need to do.

i need to tell him. i need to tell him the truth, and risk losing him.

i sleep on this for weeks. i don't know what to do. i don't want to lose him, but i don't want our relatonship to continue on like this. and i don't want to have this huge cement block of lies sitting on my heart. i decide to tell him. and i do, during an argument.
this comes as no surprise to him. because, as he says, he's not stupid. i asked him why he stayed with me, and he said it was because he knew why i did it. he knew i felt mistreated, and he knows me better than anyone i know. he knows that i lash out when i'm feeling that way. and he knows very well my motto to do it back ten times worse. i asked him why didn't he stop lying to me, and stopped short of saying that because i realized why. he just wanted freedom, that's all. he never did anything to me that was worth ending the relationship. i was irrational, and selfish, and he was going about things the wrong way.
i told him this three months ago. since then, i have had my moments of feeling completely shitty and guilty. but he hasn't left me. our relationship is slowly getting stronger because there aren't any more lies. everything is laid out on the table now. i am also not so controlling. i mean, i have my flaws, and things that tick me off, but so does he. we have an understanding now. there are boundaries. we are growing together, and by no means is it going to be a smooth ride. because nothing is perfect. the bumps in the road are motivation to go on stronger, and harder.

i asked the question to you guys simply because i want to know what you would do. not to help me make my decision, because i can do that for myself. just searching for diversity and opinion.

thank you for the feedback. :)


1 comment:

Jm Benavidez Estoque said...

Hmm... your post seems to be more reflective... but I like it.