20 December 2008


this is the area i avoid.
my lips smashed together.
eyes wide shut and glistening.
teeth grinding, mouth parched.
mind boggled.
where are we?
who is this?
what the fuck?
lets make music.

15 December 2008

this is right on point

There are no half measures with Aries; they are either right into a relationship or completely uninterested. Impulsive by nature they are super-quick when it comes to falling into sexual lust. They tend to be romantic and need a lover who won't drive them crazy because, when under emotional pressure, Aries can let the rest of their lives fall apart.

To an Aries love and sex is as necessary as drinking and eating and they can become irritable, argumentative and unwell when their sex life slows down. Too often the Aries set sights on someone they know is not suitable for them and, while they might relish the resulting drama, they soon become bored as indeed, they also do, with someone who is easy to be around.

Arians are exciting bed mates that are happy to take the lead and, are generally always ready for more. They are turned on by spontaneous and novel sex and, the more outrageous, the better. They tend toward sexy thrills and might have some very kinky fantasies.

The Arian can be impatient and somewhat selfish. Their organism is the number one priority. They like their own space, can be instantly turned off by an over- possessive lover and, upon the withdrawal of sexual favors by a partner, swiftly turn their attention into the arms of another.

Aries erogenous areas centre on the head and face so; light finger attention to lips, cheeks and hair is a sure way to generate an amorous reaction from an Aries partner.


i love being an aries. (: i'm exciting.

12 December 2008


an addicts mind is one that is misunderstood.
i depise people who think they know what they're talking about when they say, "i understand what you're going through". because no, you don't.
i hate it when someone asks me, "can't you just not think about it?". because no, i can't.
i loathe when a person says, "you said yourself you were stonger than that". because, sometimes, i'm not.
you cannot identify yourself with me until you stick a needle in your arm and feel the rush go through your veins, and then up to your head, and then down to your heart, and you catch a glimpse of heaven. or take a hit from a pipe, or rail a line, and feel the euphoria settle in.
how hard it is to stay away, when everything you know screams it's name.
i don't mean literally, i mean metaphorically.
when i party, i want a rail. cuz a party aint a party without some blow.
when i have sex, i want a hit. cuz sex aint sex without some tina.
it drives me fucking insane.
i'm sober though... fuck that, right?

if it were all so simple baby, i wouldn't be writing this.
temptation, temptation.

don't fret. i'm not back tracking.
i'm venting.

28 November 2008

the story behind my question...

i am(was) a habitual cheater. and that is not something i say with pride. throughout my three year relationship, i have slept with a number of different guys. i will refrain from saying how many, because it's embarassing.
from day one of my relationship, i put my all into it, because there was something about him... i wanted him all for me and me all for him. but i also wanted control, which is a bad habit of mine. i want to be queen of all around me, and things can't always be that way, i know this now. i attempted to wrap him around my finger, and i succeeded. for a second.
no man likes to be controlled, (and again, i know this now.) so obviously, this man is not going to be any different than the rest. all in all, it was just him trying to lessen the grasp i had on him. every human deserves their freedom, right? well i wasn't giving that to him. i didn't let him do anything, and he wanted to break free of that. at this point, i can't blame him for feeling that way. but the way he went about getting his freedom set me off.
he lied to me. a lot. but it's not like you think, you know? he never cheated. he lied about stupid shit. where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. a few times i checked his myspace and found out he was talking to his ex girlfriend behind my back. i confronted him about it and he said he was just talking to her to see if he could get some things back from her. i mean that's not a big deal persay, they were just talking. but i am a jealous woman, and i don't like to be lied to. and i like to play revenge games. those things don't mix. my motto: you do me dirty, i'll do it back ten times worse.
so, it was with this motive that i started cheating on him. simply because i was being lied to about the dumbest shit. yes, i know i was wrong. i know. but i obviously wasn't thinking straight back then.
him and i have been back and forth over and over in the relationship. we have broken up, gotten back together, with me always seeing another guy. i, in a sense, felt betrayed by him. because in the beginning i could never see myself doing that to him. i mean, i was crazy about him. but once you do my dirty in my eyes, thats it, you're in for it.
anyways, i'm sort of rambling. the main point here is that i cheated on him, a lot, because i felt betrayed. this year, we broke up for a few months. too much drama. over the summer i decided i wanted to get back with him. of course, because to this day, i am crazy about his ass, and little by little i'm starting to see that he never really did me wrong like i made it out to be.
we get back together and he moves in with me, and things are a little better. but a little worse on my part. because i've been sober for a year now and i am finally beginning to feel bad for all the shit i've done to him, and i have a guilty conscience that's strong as hell. it makes me accuse him to no end. it makes me want to control him more, so that he doesn't do to me what i did to him. i kick him out a few times in pure paranoia that he is cheating on me. i can't deal with this.
i realize what i need to do.

i need to tell him. i need to tell him the truth, and risk losing him.

i sleep on this for weeks. i don't know what to do. i don't want to lose him, but i don't want our relatonship to continue on like this. and i don't want to have this huge cement block of lies sitting on my heart. i decide to tell him. and i do, during an argument.
this comes as no surprise to him. because, as he says, he's not stupid. i asked him why he stayed with me, and he said it was because he knew why i did it. he knew i felt mistreated, and he knows me better than anyone i know. he knows that i lash out when i'm feeling that way. and he knows very well my motto to do it back ten times worse. i asked him why didn't he stop lying to me, and stopped short of saying that because i realized why. he just wanted freedom, that's all. he never did anything to me that was worth ending the relationship. i was irrational, and selfish, and he was going about things the wrong way.
i told him this three months ago. since then, i have had my moments of feeling completely shitty and guilty. but he hasn't left me. our relationship is slowly getting stronger because there aren't any more lies. everything is laid out on the table now. i am also not so controlling. i mean, i have my flaws, and things that tick me off, but so does he. we have an understanding now. there are boundaries. we are growing together, and by no means is it going to be a smooth ride. because nothing is perfect. the bumps in the road are motivation to go on stronger, and harder.

i asked the question to you guys simply because i want to know what you would do. not to help me make my decision, because i can do that for myself. just searching for diversity and opinion.

thank you for the feedback. :)


24 November 2008


if you were unfaithful in your relationship, but you really loved that person and wanted to start a life with them, would you tell them what you did, or would you keep it to yourself?

(i'll write why i'm asking this question later)

if inspiration comes, i shall blog 10 times a day if needed!

unfinished poem

i love how i feel when he looks into my eyes.
and there's an unfamiliar feeling of butterflies.

i breathe.
in and out.
i see.
me without
because that's the way it's supposed to be.
you with her, i with he,
seemingly making this out of reach.
this is our forbidden kingdom,
betray him, betray she.
making us king and queen
of deception, and fuckery.
and then, only so long until
i lie to you, you lie to me.
all will end up suffering.
you and i,
him and she.
they had us,
we had we.
and in the end, what appears?
you with hate, i in tears.
then when all is said and done,
king and queen shall leave their throne.

23 November 2008



i love this picture so much. it's perfect.


i bought a back brace.
can you say miracle? can you say relief? cuz i can. oh what wonder this brace is doing for my back. lovelovelovelovelove. i'm so excited about it.

i spent 97 dollars at walmart last night. that's too much money. too much right now. but, at the end of my night, i was satisfied. i bought some dove bodywash for my morning showers. "gofresh" waterlily and freash mint (with soothing menthol). i like, i like, very very much. it really refreshing and makes for a great wake-up shower.

i am very happy today, because of my secret. :) :) also because of everything i just stated.
i'll be back.

22 November 2008

well hello and goodbye for now.

so last night i took at really really hot shower. i'm emphasizing really because i usually take scalding hot showers, and this one was hotter than usual.
i did this because i thought it would make my back feel a little better. and honestly, it did. it really did.

until i decided to get brave and start doing some stretches after i got out the shower. because i thought the stretching would help too.
well it didn't. it made everything worse. and i feel like my spine is literally being bent into an arc. i don't know what it is...but it hurts. i hurt. i hate this. i can't stand up straight, i can't walk correctly. i'm a damn cripple.
that's mean. okay, i'm crippled.

i'm going to walmart after work. for knicks and knacks. i'll probably end up spending a lot of money, but that's okay, cuz i'm sad, and shit like that makes me happy.

by the way, i'm working on the story about my ex girlfriend. just in case anyone was wondering.
it's a long one, and i want it to be perfect, because i want you guys to really understand the situation i have going on with her. and why i firmly believe that relationships with women don't work. i love women, but they drive me fucking crazy. especially this one.

and i just burped and threw up a little bit in my mouth. gross.



so i've come to notice now that everyone who looked down on me for smoking weed in middle school and high school now smokes weed themselves. this observation makes me laugh. people don't know anything i swear. or maybe they're just late bloomers. whatever.


restraining myself is not something i am used to. it's not something i have ever really wanted to do, either. i hate how life has consequences. i want to be free, to do what i want, any ol' time. ;)


my back is not getting any better at all... it hurts, all the time, everyday. i really do feel like an old woman. but now i know how they feel, and it sucks.

i'll be back for more. i can't think right now.

21 November 2008

what makes me smile.

i can't reveal what makes me smile because it's a secret. if i reveal it, it wouldn't make me smile anymore. the fact that it's a secret makes it even more exciting to me.
i'll keep it at an arms distance away from me.
some days, i anticipate it. other days, i try not to think about it. it's too far from reach for me. it's a place i shant go. it is forbidden, morally and responsibly. but that won't stop me from smiling.

20 November 2008


i am almost positive that i have become intellectually retarded. if that makes any fucking sense.

i HATE the way i write. and it makes me sad.

i sound like a fool. an ape. an uneducated inexperienced piece of crap.
but maybe i'm just not giving myself the benefit of the doubt? i mean,i don't know. i did smoke and drink and drugggggg myself STUPID. according to the books and encyclopedias, prolonged drug use does impair intelligence and further impairs learning ability.
it's not me, it's the drugs.

i have not seen the world yet. i want to go everywhere, except here. i want to go to a place where no one knows who i am, where i've been, what i've done. i don't like to be looked upon as this, this addict. i embrace it, nevertheless, i yell it out loud, but part of me is ashamed i subjected myself to treading down a path i knew not to go. ashamed it has changed me into someone i, myself, looking in the mirror, do not recognize. i am different now, to you, him, her, he, she. no one knows the difference because it's a first impression. but i know. i know deep inside that this isn't me.

i don't know what to do with myself...

higher notes:
i found something that makes me smile. but i'm not revealing what it is.
i get paid tomorrow.
i bought a new book and i'm going to start it tonight.
i haven't had sex in 4 days, and it's not bothering me!



this morning there is no lyric!!!!

17 November 2008

injury numero dos

i have an issue.

i think, no, i know, that my laziness is starting to take a toll on me.

i don't exercise, i sit in a very uncomfortable computer chair all day. and when i get home, i lay my lazy ass on my bed or sit on my couch, or sit on ANOTHER uncomfortable computer chair, and subject myself to a very minimal amount of physical activity.

so it's no wonder i pulled my back out this morning!
i feel like an old lady, and it's no bueno.
how does a nineteen year old pull out her back putting on a pair of sneakers? i really don't know.
so yeah, i'm pretty much crippled for the moment. i mean, just last week i had whiplash, and now this? ughhh i feel a bit miserable.

it happened while i was getting ready for work. i'm pretty much done already, makeup and hair is finished, clothes are on. so i'm standing up, trying to put my left converse sneaker on. it's a pain in the ass putting on my converses, especially in the morning, because they're skinny tight sneakers, and i always put on shoes standing up. so i'm lifting up my left leg to pull on the sneaker, and all of a sudden i feel a shift in my spine. literally. something in my spine just moves to the side while i'm exerting myself, and i instantly drop my sneaker and let out a cry of pain.
i can't explain this because i've never really felt it before. but damnnnnn this hurtsssssss.
and i'm sitting here at work. like an idiot, because i'm too scared to call in sick. it took me twenty minutes to put my shoes on after it happened, and i couldn't even get in and out of the car without feeling like a damn vieja!!! (old lady)
I should've called in, really. I should've.
But i can't afford it. I look like a damn fool at work right now too. Walkin' all funny, can't even get in and out of my chair. THIS DAMNED COMPUTER CHAIR!!! I hate it it's so uncomfortable!!!!

anyway enough complaining about my back. even though it hurts more than i can say. last night i acted like a straight up bitch towards my boyfriend. i don't know why, but i picked an argument with him, and had no good reason to do so. i think i might have been in a bad mood while getting off work. and it didn't help that he ignored my text messages all day. but i was out of line, and i guess i was just pushing his limits to see how far i could go. very childish of me. at first though, he was taking it al very well, my yelling at him for no reason and getting in his face... yeah he was actually attempting to be nice to me even though i was being a bitch.
then he finally got fed up and left the house to go smoke. when he got back he acted like nothing happened and continued to be nice to me.
that really confused me. normally he's not like that. he's got a short fuse, as do i. it doesn't take much for me to say to piss him off real good. but this time, he was cool, clam, and collective.

i appreciated it. and then i felt dumb for acting like a spoiled little hoar. lol.

ouch. my back hurts.
i'll be back. maybe. ;)

by the way. i appreciate the comments stargazr!!! i love your feedback, and your blog as well!!!!

15 November 2008

oh yes. and by the way.

i am addicted to the sims. no, really.


i love the not so realistic reality of the game.
and my favorite part...


...is the fact that love knows no gender in this game.
HA! i can be a woman and love a woman here. yes! fucking amazing! i can't believe it!

but, there is one flaw about this game that i just noticed... the "fat" thing.
in the sims, being "fat" is not cute. and also, a fat female sim looks like me... a little extra on the belly, big boobs and a big butt...

so i'm fat eh?
no, fuck that.

nevertheless. i love the game. hee hee.

back again

hello. i've had some writers block lately. it's frustrating, but i'm back.

you ever have one of those coworkers who constantly talks to you about things you really don't care about?
well i do.
this particular coworker really enjoys talking about her kids. i mean, there is NOTHING wrong with loving your kid that much. but to constantly annoy someone else with stories about how cute and smart your kids are...that's just something you shouldn't do.
she likes to stand around my desk and watch me work, or whatever the hell it is that she's doing. and then out of the blue, when i'm obviously busy, she starts up with her stories. "my kid did the cutest thing"...or "i need to get my kid this"... or "the other night my son"... blah blah blah. and she just goes ON AND ON AND ON with the shit. i try to make it obvious that i'm not listening to her, that i'm actually working. and i don't respond to her, just give her the occasional "hmm" or something. but she never gets the hint.
i wish she'd just shut up. i don't care about how cute your kids are. really. it seems like she's just trying to justify something or make herself feel better... i don't know. i don't really care either.
let me work. thank you.

i know that seemed kinda rude. but damn. i can't stand it already. it's everyday now. i thought she'd stop after a while if i kept ignoring her. but she doesn't. it's like she takes it as a cue to continue with the lame story when i'm silent. ARRGGGHHH. maybe she just likes to hear herself talk, cuz i've caught her talking to herself a few times. haha

anyway. to stray away from that topic. i had a great day yesterday. i worked at 5 am again, got off at two, and spent the rest of the day and night with my boyfriend. i know we live together, but there's a difference between being in eachothers presence at home and actually spending quality time together.

after work, we headed to the bank to deposit his check. we wanted to go see a movie, but we were both dead tired from only getting 4 hours of sleep the night before. so we decided to buy. you know the deal that blockbuster constantly has going on? the 2 for $20 one? yeah they're used movies but it's a good deal nevertheless. we decided on the ruins and 88 minutes.

when we got home, i decided to bake some cookies. yum. then we took a shower and he started getting frisky with me. haha. it's been a few days since we last...you know. so i guess he was really itching for some. and not to mention, i've been really horny for the past few days. so i'm brushing him off a little, mainly because i actually want to enjoy the cookies i just baked while they're still warm. i'm putting them on a plate and he comes into the kitchen. i offer him a bite, he takes one, and picks me up and carried me to the bed (cookie still in my hand). needless to say, we had some sweet lovin, sweet like them sugar cookies.

anyway, then we chilled on the bed for the rest of the night watching the ruins and reading together. mmm. relaxation. love it.

the simple pleasures in life.

...and then they all get ruined by a coworker who likes to blab your ear off.

lol ;)

10 November 2008

ouch baby ouch

i have whiplash!
i think... because my neck is killing me.
aqquired during playfighting with my boyfriend. everytime we wrestle around, one of us ends up getting injured in some way. this time it was me, and my neck. my poor poor neck. ouch baby ouch!!!

anyway. i'm thinking of getting another tattoo. an old school microphone on my forearm. maybe? hmm who knows? we'll see.

it's planned. we are getting mos def concert tickets! he's coming to seattle next month. i can't wait. a poetic lyrical genius, i've been a fan of mos def before def poetry. my favorite cd of his : a new danger. favorite song : black jack. ahh good music soothes my soul.

xoxo be back

08 November 2008

i'm kinda mad

nic sheff is closing down his blog page.

that makes me upset. and honestly, i feel like he's going to relapse again. he says he needs to concentrate on other things. LIKE WHAT NIC? i've read his book over and over and it seems like everytime he breaks a habit, such as blogging, or working out, he fucking relapses. if he does, i'm going to be very disappointed.

if i can stay clean, so can he.

wtf. i'm pissed.

whatever. i hope he stays safe in whatever he chooses to do with himself. i hope God continues to watch over him, even if Nic doens't even believe in God.

peace and love.


i have exposed the truth in everything you thought you ever knew. her beauty is faulty, inside she rings hollow and dull. the walks she takes aimlessly leave dissatisfaction with no doubt. she inhales her escape and when she looks at you it rains. i saw her once, this girl. i saw her once in the mirror, and she embraced me with shackles. i saw her, with a pale face and eyes empty. and when the shackles broke free, she went away. sometimes she haunts me. she whispers things in my ear and makes me weep. but only sometimes. because now, when i smile, she runs away. and when he kisses me, she cries out my name. but only sometimes. because she knows that i have put her away. and my music is louder than her screams.

he is

built to destroy heart and soul
breaking flesh and bone
he speaks quick experience without hesitation
knowing he's being watched
every second passes like slow motion
and slowly he's beating out your insides
you're too blind to see that he's got you caught
every move every word spoken
even in his sleep a force so powerful it hurts
drain it out and let it take over you
simply because resisting is futile

in his eyes i see forever...


feigning this i keep trying to satisfy you
i miss each time
losing sleep i count out how many times i've failed you
wanting your acceptance to fade
i dream in mirrors
and i see myself even in your mistakes
selfish and you're blind to it
me hurting myself in front of your face
i miss innocence and its naivety
fuck pain and deliverance
hold my head high and count to ten as i fall
1...2...3...i'm drifting away and you don't even see me

i am stronger than this monster. i am better than this life.

i am a recovering meth addict. this is my story.
the first time i tried meth, i was tricked into it. no, i'm not saying i didn't want to do it, cuz of course i did. what i mean is that i was under the impression that i was about to snort a line of coke. but it burned, and it less than five minutes, i felt like i was having an orgasm in a sense...and i wanted more. after that session, i didn't sleep for two days, and found the strength to pull myself away from it.
that is...until i was reacquainted with the demon a year later, by a "friend".

i've always been attracted to drugs, addiction, things of the sort. all of my greatest heroes were drug addicts. Jean-Michel Basquiat, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Edie Sedgwick. in a sense, i wanted to be those people. when i was 11, i was introduced to cocaine, before anything else. for 5 years, i struggled with an on again, off again relationship/addiction to it. i accompanied it by smoking weed, drinking 40s, eating mushrooms, and i even shot up heroin, twice.
when i turned 16, i moved out of my hometown, across the country, which is where i live now. my mother wanted to create a better life for me, because she knew of my habit. but things got worse. i was okay for a few months, but it was only a short time before i met the right, or wrong, people who would give me the connections to get whatever i needed. i started back up on coke, after being clean for about 6 months, except for the occasional toke of weed. so began the on again off again relationship with drugs.

i fell in love, i thought that would fix it. he tried to help, subsequently failing each time. i would run away from home, from him, and disappear for weeks, returning only to shower, eat and get clothes. the day after i was "tricked" into doing meth, he came to my rescue. i came down in his bed, and i was clean from then on.
or so i thought.

one year later. i met my neighbor. she seemed great. she smoked weed, which i've always done regardless, it helps me calm down. i was having trouble in my relationship. she offered to help.
the first time i smoked meth, i was instantly hooked, and couldn't get enough. i left him. it made me forget about everything that was stressing me out. it made me truly happy. she and i would sit and talk for hours, about everything. but when the supply ran out, we needed more. we'd go all over town from house to house of tweakers she knew that could hook us up fat, and free. i never paid for anything. she did it all. i was in a state of bliss for a while. constantly high, always awake, always happy. i'd write poetry for hours, half of it not making any sense. i lost 20 pounds (mind you, i'm only 5'1" and i weighed 115 at the time). i met the worst people, though at the time they seemed like my best friends. when she got kicked out, i let her stay with me, my mom was on vacation, it seemed perfect. soon all these tweakers were swarming my mom's apartment, and i couldn't control them. so i sat back and smoked. and smoked and smoked and kept on going that way, constantly high, ignoring my reality. i slowly became miserable. i realized that a lot of my clothes were going missing. they were stealing from me, and i didn't even know it. i was too wrapped up in my own little tweaked out world to realize it. i had sex with people i barely knew, and all addicts know about sex on meth. but something told me to stop...my body started rejecting the meth. i began throwing up everytime i hit the pipe.
i was pregnant. worst case scenario is now in full blown action.
my mom came back from vacation, i told her my situation, and she kicked me out.
operation homeless. WTF? i'd slept in staircases before, but only because i didn't wanna go home, or was too drunk to remember where i was so i stayed put. now i couldn't go home. struggling to stay clean, i slept from tweaker house to tweaker house and a few times slept out on the streets. i tried not to get high, but i wanted to so bad, despite the vomiting everytime i hit. i didn't know who the baby's father was. i had no idea. at one point, i didn't even care. my M.O was to get high and possibly end up miscarriaging.
i almost OD'd...it was my first time smoking meth out of a bong. and on top of that, the stuff was strong. i took one hit, literally felt my heart stop, and i passed out. i had no idea how long i was out, but when i woke up, i was still in the same place i was, and everyone around me was still getting high, not even acknowledging that i had passed out.
i made up a plan after a that point. i wanted to get clean. so...i would lie to some guy i slept with that i knew had feelings for me, tell him the baby was his, and manipulate him into letting me live with him for a while, until i figured everything out. well that plan worked, and i began living with him and his family.
this is how i kicked meth. by lying, and manipulating. but i had to do what i had to do.
while i was living with this guy, i came to find out that he was an alcoholic. he would drink almost every night, come home wasted, and start up a screaming fest with me, for no reason. at one point, i got so stressed out that i walked out of his house barefoot, left all my belongings there, and just kept walking. didn't know where i was going. he had to chase me down and beg me to come back. i made up my mind to leave him. it was all a lie anyway, and i was tired of living it. i called my ex, the one i left for meth, and he was there, right away. i packed up my things, and went to live with him.
i eventually decided to have an abortion. i could not live with myself if i were to give birth to a meth addicted child, and i could barely support myself at that point, so that's what i decided to do, between me and God. after the abortion, i got a steady job as a waitress, started making enough money to where i could actually support myself, and got my own place.
today, i have a better job working in an office at a warehouse, i have my own apartment, and i am still in a relationship with him. the one i hurt, the one i chose meth over, the one who was always there. and over all, i am clean. i got rid of that demon, the demon that eats away your soul. i know my story isn't as serious as a lof of addicts', but i still went through a lot, and overcame it, coming out stronger than ever.
i love my life now. and to everyone out there who reads this, meth is a monster. but it's not a monster so strong that pure will can't get rid of. and God. God is, and always will be, the answer to everything.

07 November 2008


ridiculous or boring?

which one would you choose to be?

cross your heart, hope to die? stick a needle in your eye/arm. && LET'S MAKE ART


~jean michel basquiat ©

i did not know what art was until i found this. him, this, that.

he succumbed to drugs, he died, and i hate him for this.
but as we all know, legends did drugs, and died because of them. not only by overdoses, but because the drugs made them feel so unworthy of anything that they wanted to kill themselves, or just "burn out". to name a few, basquiat, charlie parker, edie sedgwick, janis joplin, jimi hendrix, kurt cobain, marilyn monroe, sid vicious, billie holiday, river phoenix, heath ledger... just to name a few.

this is the idea that many drug addicts who are aspiring artists of all kinds hold onto. this is their M.O. cobain did it, he's still a star, why can't i? or the drugs are my inspiration, without them i couldn't do this. at one point, it was what i held onto, until the drugs themselves contributed to me losing my talent, and even more, almost losing my life.

to this day i will admire the legends for their talent. but, as i once praised them for being able to shed out such beauty through drugs, i will no longer do so. drugs will break you, not make you. and that is why every one of them is no longer here on this earth creating their masterpieces. whether they be art, music, film, or literature.

i look at his paintings now and, where i was once only captivated by them, i am now captivated yet disappointed. disappointed in the life behind the talent. in the emotion behind the color, in the brush strokes.

but don't get me wrong, he is, and always will be my favorite person, period. there was more to him than the drugs, but they took over. they took over every single one of the people i named. that's the fucked up part of it all.

i want drugs to disappear. i yearn for them not to exist.


i submitted this into poetry.com, and recently recieved a letter saying that it is being published in a book of poetry. this makes me happier than i could explain.

the blueprints led to the right place
but smudged in spots
too many
i swore i'd need a second brain
can't do this one on my own
i said it. over and over
and i hate repeating myself
are my words delayed--or ignored?
how fast is the speed of sound?
when the fuck are you going to hear me?
so there goes another teardrop-and another smudge
help me stop crying
so i can find my way home
but as for now,
impossibility seems infinite
how could i have knowni'd get so lost?
my fingers are burnt enough already
it's time to wake upsmell the coffee
and the aroma of my reality

03 November 2008

Another day gone by

it's getting close to the end of my day here at work. i don't have the internet at home yet... i hate being broke!!!

plans for tonight: dinner, movie, quality time.

hopefully an argument doesn't spark up...

i won't be back for a few days.

Sleeping through the static

my brain is simply not working today. lack of sleep is really starting to take it's toll. i don't like feeling like this, it reminds me of staying awake for days because i was high.

everyone's asking me if i voted...
NO i didn't. so what? end of topic.

i guess i'm not in the greatest of moods this morning. maybe once i get more into my day my mood will pick up.

i didn't have a good anniversary. we didn't do anything. we actually argued. and it makes me so sad to think that we've been together for three years but we can't even manage to take one day and put all the bullshit aside and have that day for just the two of us to love and appreciate one another.
but i guess nothing's perfect, right?
i'm just honestly sick and tired of being frustrated with my relationship. i've left him, given us time away from eachother because sometimes that's what we need. everything i do only seems to work for a little while, then everything is back to normal. and here we are again, arguing almost every single day about the pettiest things.
i hate reading blogs like this, and here i am, writing one.

but i need to let this out before i explode.
and i'm so tired i think i might just pass out.

ugh...i'll be back. i need to time to regroup, think straight, "normal" myself out.

02 November 2008

At the end of my day...

...this sparked up a little emotion in me.

earlier today i was reading a blog by a lady named Mz Nikki. she's going on and on about how she was watching the intervention show about the crazy meth addict/alcoholic Cristy. this girl (Mz. Nikki) is unbelieveably judgemental and assuming. it's not really what she was saying about Cristy that bothered me, it was when she started talking about race.

now, i'm full blooded hispanic. puerto rican to be exact, and on top of that i'm from new york. right. so anyway... she brings up her opinion on how the majority of the addicts on intervention are white. she's going on and on about how blacks and hispanics (she actually says "Black/Brown/Yellow/whatever you is") don't become addicts because they have close knit families, and they're not dumb enough to do so because everyone is always in everyone else's business.

...that really pissed me off. mainly because she really thinks she knows what she's talking about. and because she is acting very "higher than thou".

i think she's on a serious racial power trip. it doesn't make any sense to me. this really shouldn't be pissing me off because in a way, she's putting my ethnicity on a pedestal along with hers. but i don't think she's right in saying that. i am hispanic, and i grew up in a close knit although somewhat dysfunctional family. that didn't, in ANY WAY whatsoever, stop me from becoming an addict. honestly, in some peoples' situations, their family is what actually drives them to do drugs, regardless of race.

but whatever... i ramble too much, seriously. sometimes the stuff i say doesn't even make sense.

on a higher note, i had a good day at work. saturdays and sundays are usually my favorite days at work. most people complain about not being able to have the weekends off, but i enjoy my weekends at the office. slow paced and relaxing, it might get boring, but hey, who wouldn't want to just relax and surf the web all day? sheeeiittt, my lazy ass doesn't mind one bit!

k i'm done for now.
be back tomorrow.

i am a recovering meth addict.

this is my therapy.


it says "Made Perfect Through Suffering".
i am not perfect.
but my recovery is.

what i mean by that... is that even though i struggle with addiction every day, my recovery is in full blown perfection because it is in progress, and it is working. feel free to debate with me on this.

so anyway, i've come to find that the easiest way for me to deal with it is to watch, read, inquire everything i can about drugs and addiction. some people say i feed off of it, and maybe they're right. watching other people go through what i went through is fulfilling to me. that sounds a little sick... but hey, to each his own, right?

i recently came across Nic Sheff's book, TWEAK. man i can't put that book down. i've read it at least 10 times already. i'm one to repetitiously watch or read something if i thoroughly enjoy it that much. he has a blog on this website too. Nic, to me, represents the fragile side of addiction and recovery. he is more humble than i am, in a way. i, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. i flaunt and praise my recovery, and have also never been to a rehab or detox program. everyone handles things differently. his book makes me feel strong.

am i rambling here? i didn't sleep much last night. i was freaking out about daylight savings time and getting to work on time, because my cell phone was acting weird. it's the only source of time i have in my apartment. my cozy little apartment, which i aqquired 9 months after getting clean, that i share with my boyfriend. today is our three year anniversary. he, of course, is not a recovering addict. never touched meth in his life. oh thank God for that.

let's actually work now. poof! i'll be back.