20 November 2008


i am almost positive that i have become intellectually retarded. if that makes any fucking sense.

i HATE the way i write. and it makes me sad.

i sound like a fool. an ape. an uneducated inexperienced piece of crap.
but maybe i'm just not giving myself the benefit of the doubt? i mean,i don't know. i did smoke and drink and drugggggg myself STUPID. according to the books and encyclopedias, prolonged drug use does impair intelligence and further impairs learning ability.
it's not me, it's the drugs.

i have not seen the world yet. i want to go everywhere, except here. i want to go to a place where no one knows who i am, where i've been, what i've done. i don't like to be looked upon as this, this addict. i embrace it, nevertheless, i yell it out loud, but part of me is ashamed i subjected myself to treading down a path i knew not to go. ashamed it has changed me into someone i, myself, looking in the mirror, do not recognize. i am different now, to you, him, her, he, she. no one knows the difference because it's a first impression. but i know. i know deep inside that this isn't me.

i don't know what to do with myself...

higher notes:
i found something that makes me smile. but i'm not revealing what it is.
i get paid tomorrow.
i bought a new book and i'm going to start it tonight.
i haven't had sex in 4 days, and it's not bothering me!



Muze said...

hello bianca. *smiles*

i see you have visited mi casa, so i wanted to come check you out.

very honest. loves it.

but i think as with anything, writing gets better and better as you do it.

you are far from retarded. so hush. your previous posts prove that.

as far as drugs... say no babe. and if you have already, then good for you.

4 days? whew. i'd be jumping for JOY right now if i had sex 4 days ago. lolol. try months, hun. lol.

hope all is well. do make yourself at home on my blog!


seattlePR said...

Why don't you want anyone to know what makes you smile?

StarzGazR said...

Girl! You must tell me whats making you so happy!!!

Anddd 4 days without sex- and you're not upset about it... see if you were single then yeah. it's normal to go months.. but girl, you got a man at home... que te pasa! LMAO you know my dominican ass would be crying in a corner!! LMAO!!

btw.... YOU'VE BEEN TAGGED!!!!!!