suggestions?

someone please tell me what to do with this blog now. i want to write, i don't know what to write. maybe i should just blab.

help?

IM BACK!

who's still on here? new blogs, coming soon!

think

she speaks quickly. seeming to deliberately avoid pronunciation of each syllable, inable to sound-out-words. verbally.
everything is in her mind. the best way out is on paper. or, keyboard.
she's a mess. and a disaster.
life was a straight path for a moment. no bumps, cracks...
now it seems she's approached a huge, menacing STOP SIGN.
after the sign, there's a gap in the road. gaping wide open and disturbingly inviting.
every
single
line
inches her
CLOSER
and CLOSER
to the fall.
who is she? where is she going? when will this end?

there's a justification to every fuck-up, every mistake.
i know what i'm doing, i just don't know how to stop.

clamburger

i am justified in everything i say, do, and feel.
even when i am wrong.

this is because i am me, and i don't care about you. you, you, and especially you, or what you think.

the artist gone wrong, the rambler, the pessimist, the heart breaker.

i love to use, but not to be used.
i love to chase, but if you chase me i'll run away, and you'll never catch me.

so what if i lie? so what if i drink and smoke and stuff?
so what if i say things i don't mean, and even more, so what if i say fucked up shit that i do mean?


who cares?

i love to watch movies over and over and over. and i leave good songs on repeat. yes, and i do it, just to annoy the living hell out of everyone.
if you don't like it, take a hike.

or eat my clamburger.

either way, i win.

oh hi

i'm bianca.

i'm happy.

not much else to say.

thanks.

works in progress

im not accustomed to this notion
a standstill, witholding devotion
the useless parodies of
delusions of grandeur
wherein my fragile heart
can no longer endure
the most beautiful disaster
you'd ever lay your eyes upon
the way i felt in your arms,
and when you spoke, i was wrong.
you are not the idea i beheld
just bits and pieces of the sought out picture
the main vowel in this love, mispelled
inflicting my grievance, becoming a fixture


_________________



i just can't deal with your chronically combative constipated ways
i mix salt with water and make tears in a jar
readily available for me to pour
the feeble attempts i put out to put-you out
leave me sauntering between, at least, a burdensome mishap
and, at most, a breathtaking release
i'm eavesdropping on the meaning behind your screaming
drastically fanatically picking apart questions
releasing the demons, and losing the essence


_________________


and then a complete:

fervently anticipating your arrival
i make motions with hands, impatient
tap,
tap tap
you are the fuse to my shortage
making more use out of the fact that
your love, i can't afford.
im slipping, slowly,
and i feverishly spit out hurried causes,
then sew my mouth shut
so you can't crawl down my throat.
i'm no damn fool
but what is it that's got me feining you?


magnificently i caught you off guard
and you called me the wife type.
the type that you could very well make do with.
don't make that mistake
by talking sweet nothings to my ear.
i keep the nouns in a box,
and i wear the vowels on a chain.
for i am the epitome of your blueprint,
the idea that you behold, but are ultimately blind to.
wake up, i am waiting.

so complacent and unaware that this actually might not be
exactly what i think it is
i am smiling with a blindfold over my eyes
and my heart on my sleeve
waiting for the hollow point to pierce,
emtpy with your words.

ooOO

this is the area i avoid.
my lips smashed together.
eyes wide shut and glistening.
teeth grinding, mouth parched.
mind boggled.
where are we?
who is this?
what the fuck?
lets make music.

this is right on point

There are no half measures with Aries; they are either right into a relationship or completely uninterested. Impulsive by nature they are super-quick when it comes to falling into sexual lust. They tend to be romantic and need a lover who won't drive them crazy because, when under emotional pressure, Aries can let the rest of their lives fall apart.

To an Aries love and sex is as necessary as drinking and eating and they can become irritable, argumentative and unwell when their sex life slows down. Too often the Aries set sights on someone they know is not suitable for them and, while they might relish the resulting drama, they soon become bored as indeed, they also do, with someone who is easy to be around.

Arians are exciting bed mates that are happy to take the lead and, are generally always ready for more. They are turned on by spontaneous and novel sex and, the more outrageous, the better. They tend toward sexy thrills and might have some very kinky fantasies.

The Arian can be impatient and somewhat selfish. Their organism is the number one priority. They like their own space, can be instantly turned off by an over- possessive lover and, upon the withdrawal of sexual favors by a partner, swiftly turn their attention into the arms of another.

Aries erogenous areas centre on the head and face so; light finger attention to lips, cheeks and hair is a sure way to generate an amorous reaction from an Aries partner.

____________________________________________________


i love being an aries. (: i'm exciting.

addiction

an addicts mind is one that is misunderstood.
i depise people who think they know what they're talking about when they say, "i understand what you're going through". because no, you don't.
i hate it when someone asks me, "can't you just not think about it?". because no, i can't.
i loathe when a person says, "you said yourself you were stonger than that". because, sometimes, i'm not.
you cannot identify yourself with me until you stick a needle in your arm and feel the rush go through your veins, and then up to your head, and then down to your heart, and you catch a glimpse of heaven. or take a hit from a pipe, or rail a line, and feel the euphoria settle in.
you
don't
know
shit.
how hard it is to stay away, when everything you know screams it's name.
i don't mean literally, i mean metaphorically.
when i party, i want a rail. cuz a party aint a party without some blow.
when i have sex, i want a hit. cuz sex aint sex without some tina.
it drives me fucking insane.
i'm sober though... fuck that, right?

if it were all so simple baby, i wouldn't be writing this.
temptation, temptation.


don't fret. i'm not back tracking.
i'm venting.

the story behind my question...

i am(was) a habitual cheater. and that is not something i say with pride. throughout my three year relationship, i have slept with a number of different guys. i will refrain from saying how many, because it's embarassing.
from day one of my relationship, i put my all into it, because there was something about him... i wanted him all for me and me all for him. but i also wanted control, which is a bad habit of mine. i want to be queen of all around me, and things can't always be that way, i know this now. i attempted to wrap him around my finger, and i succeeded. for a second.
no man likes to be controlled, (and again, i know this now.) so obviously, this man is not going to be any different than the rest. all in all, it was just him trying to lessen the grasp i had on him. every human deserves their freedom, right? well i wasn't giving that to him. i didn't let him do anything, and he wanted to break free of that. at this point, i can't blame him for feeling that way. but the way he went about getting his freedom set me off.
he lied to me. a lot. but it's not like you think, you know? he never cheated. he lied about stupid shit. where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. a few times i checked his myspace and found out he was talking to his ex girlfriend behind my back. i confronted him about it and he said he was just talking to her to see if he could get some things back from her. i mean that's not a big deal persay, they were just talking. but i am a jealous woman, and i don't like to be lied to. and i like to play revenge games. those things don't mix. my motto: you do me dirty, i'll do it back ten times worse.
so, it was with this motive that i started cheating on him. simply because i was being lied to about the dumbest shit. yes, i know i was wrong. i know. but i obviously wasn't thinking straight back then.
him and i have been back and forth over and over in the relationship. we have broken up, gotten back together, with me always seeing another guy. i, in a sense, felt betrayed by him. because in the beginning i could never see myself doing that to him. i mean, i was crazy about him. but once you do my dirty in my eyes, thats it, you're in for it.
anyways, i'm sort of rambling. the main point here is that i cheated on him, a lot, because i felt betrayed. this year, we broke up for a few months. too much drama. over the summer i decided i wanted to get back with him. of course, because to this day, i am crazy about his ass, and little by little i'm starting to see that he never really did me wrong like i made it out to be.
we get back together and he moves in with me, and things are a little better. but a little worse on my part. because i've been sober for a year now and i am finally beginning to feel bad for all the shit i've done to him, and i have a guilty conscience that's strong as hell. it makes me accuse him to no end. it makes me want to control him more, so that he doesn't do to me what i did to him. i kick him out a few times in pure paranoia that he is cheating on me. i can't deal with this.
i realize what i need to do.

i need to tell him. i need to tell him the truth, and risk losing him.

i sleep on this for weeks. i don't know what to do. i don't want to lose him, but i don't want our relatonship to continue on like this. and i don't want to have this huge cement block of lies sitting on my heart. i decide to tell him. and i do, during an argument.
this comes as no surprise to him. because, as he says, he's not stupid. i asked him why he stayed with me, and he said it was because he knew why i did it. he knew i felt mistreated, and he knows me better than anyone i know. he knows that i lash out when i'm feeling that way. and he knows very well my motto to do it back ten times worse. i asked him why didn't he stop lying to me, and stopped short of saying that because i realized why. he just wanted freedom, that's all. he never did anything to me that was worth ending the relationship. i was irrational, and selfish, and he was going about things the wrong way.
i told him this three months ago. since then, i have had my moments of feeling completely shitty and guilty. but he hasn't left me. our relationship is slowly getting stronger because there aren't any more lies. everything is laid out on the table now. i am also not so controlling. i mean, i have my flaws, and things that tick me off, but so does he. we have an understanding now. there are boundaries. we are growing together, and by no means is it going to be a smooth ride. because nothing is perfect. the bumps in the road are motivation to go on stronger, and harder.

i asked the question to you guys simply because i want to know what you would do. not to help me make my decision, because i can do that for myself. just searching for diversity and opinion.

thank you for the feedback. :)

blog#1fortoday
morecoming

question

if you were unfaithful in your relationship, but you really loved that person and wanted to start a life with them, would you tell them what you did, or would you keep it to yourself?

(i'll write why i'm asking this question later)









if inspiration comes, i shall blog 10 times a day if needed!

unfinished poem

i love how i feel when he looks into my eyes.
and there's an unfamiliar feeling of butterflies.
i breathe.
in and out.
i see.
me without
YOU.
because that's the way it's supposed to be.
you with her, i with he,
seemingly making this out of reach.
this is our forbidden kingdom,
betray him, betray she.
making us king and queen
of deception, and fuckery.
and then, only so long until
i lie to you, you lie to me.
all will end up suffering.
you and i,
him and she.
they had us,
we had we.
and in the end, what appears?
you with hate, i in tears.
then when all is said and done,
king and queen shall leave their throne.

beautiful

i love this picture so much. it's perfect.

WOO HOO!

i bought a back brace.
can you say miracle? can you say relief? cuz i can. oh what wonder this brace is doing for my back. lovelovelovelovelove. i'm so excited about it.

i spent 97 dollars at walmart last night. that's too much money. too much right now. but, at the end of my night, i was satisfied. i bought some dove bodywash for my morning showers. "gofresh" waterlily and freash mint (with soothing menthol). i like, i like, very very much. it really refreshing and makes for a great wake-up shower.

i am very happy today, because of my secret. :) :) also because of everything i just stated.
i'll be back.

well hello and goodbye for now.

so last night i took at really really hot shower. i'm emphasizing really because i usually take scalding hot showers, and this one was hotter than usual.
i did this because i thought it would make my back feel a little better. and honestly, it did. it really did.

until i decided to get brave and start doing some stretches after i got out the shower. because i thought the stretching would help too.
well it didn't. it made everything worse. and i feel like my spine is literally being bent into an arc. i don't know what it is...but it hurts. i hurt. i hate this. i can't stand up straight, i can't walk correctly. i'm a damn cripple.
that's mean. okay, i'm crippled.

i'm going to walmart after work. for knicks and knacks. i'll probably end up spending a lot of money, but that's okay, cuz i'm sad, and shit like that makes me happy.

by the way, i'm working on the story about my ex girlfriend. just in case anyone was wondering.
it's a long one, and i want it to be perfect, because i want you guys to really understand the situation i have going on with her. and why i firmly believe that relationships with women don't work. i love women, but they drive me fucking crazy. especially this one.

and i just burped and threw up a little bit in my mouth. gross.

xoxo

blah

so i've come to notice now that everyone who looked down on me for smoking weed in middle school and high school now smokes weed themselves. this observation makes me laugh. people don't know anything i swear. or maybe they're just late bloomers. whatever.

_______________________________________________________

restraining myself is not something i am used to. it's not something i have ever really wanted to do, either. i hate how life has consequences. i want to be free, to do what i want, any ol' time. ;)

_______________________________________________________

my back is not getting any better at all... it hurts, all the time, everyday. i really do feel like an old woman. but now i know how they feel, and it sucks.

i'll be back for more. i can't think right now.

what makes me smile.

i can't reveal what makes me smile because it's a secret. if i reveal it, it wouldn't make me smile anymore. the fact that it's a secret makes it even more exciting to me.
i'll keep it at an arms distance away from me.
some days, i anticipate it. other days, i try not to think about it. it's too far from reach for me. it's a place i shant go. it is forbidden, morally and responsibly. but that won't stop me from smiling.

confusion

i am almost positive that i have become intellectually retarded. if that makes any fucking sense.

i HATE the way i write. and it makes me sad.


I NEVER USED TO WRITE THIS WAY!!!!!!
i sound like a fool. an ape. an uneducated inexperienced piece of crap.
but maybe i'm just not giving myself the benefit of the doubt? i mean,i don't know. i did smoke and drink and drugggggg myself STUPID. according to the books and encyclopedias, prolonged drug use does impair intelligence and further impairs learning ability.
it's not me, it's the drugs.

i have not seen the world yet. i want to go everywhere, except here. i want to go to a place where no one knows who i am, where i've been, what i've done. i don't like to be looked upon as this, this addict. i embrace it, nevertheless, i yell it out loud, but part of me is ashamed i subjected myself to treading down a path i knew not to go. ashamed it has changed me into someone i, myself, looking in the mirror, do not recognize. i am different now, to you, him, her, he, she. no one knows the difference because it's a first impression. but i know. i know deep inside that this isn't me.
wtf.

i don't know what to do with myself...

higher notes:
i found something that makes me smile. but i'm not revealing what it is.
i get paid tomorrow.
i bought a new book and i'm going to start it tonight.
i haven't had sex in 4 days, and it's not bothering me!

adieu.

untitled

this morning there is no lyric!!!!

injury numero dos

i have an issue.

i think, no, i know, that my laziness is starting to take a toll on me.

i don't exercise, i sit in a very uncomfortable computer chair all day. and when i get home, i lay my lazy ass on my bed or sit on my couch, or sit on ANOTHER uncomfortable computer chair, and subject myself to a very minimal amount of physical activity.

so it's no wonder i pulled my back out this morning!
i feel like an old lady, and it's no bueno.
how does a nineteen year old pull out her back putting on a pair of sneakers? i really don't know.
so yeah, i'm pretty much crippled for the moment. i mean, just last week i had whiplash, and now this? ughhh i feel a bit miserable.

it happened while i was getting ready for work. i'm pretty much done already, makeup and hair is finished, clothes are on. so i'm standing up, trying to put my left converse sneaker on. it's a pain in the ass putting on my converses, especially in the morning, because they're skinny tight sneakers, and i always put on shoes standing up. so i'm lifting up my left leg to pull on the sneaker, and all of a sudden i feel a shift in my spine. literally. something in my spine just moves to the side while i'm exerting myself, and i instantly drop my sneaker and let out a cry of pain.
oh
my
god.
i can't explain this because i've never really felt it before. but damnnnnn this hurtsssssss.
and i'm sitting here at work. like an idiot, because i'm too scared to call in sick. it took me twenty minutes to put my shoes on after it happened, and i couldn't even get in and out of the car without feeling like a damn vieja!!! (old lady)
I should've called in, really. I should've.
But i can't afford it. I look like a damn fool at work right now too. Walkin' all funny, can't even get in and out of my chair. THIS DAMNED COMPUTER CHAIR!!! I hate it it's so uncomfortable!!!!

anyway enough complaining about my back. even though it hurts more than i can say. last night i acted like a straight up bitch towards my boyfriend. i don't know why, but i picked an argument with him, and had no good reason to do so. i think i might have been in a bad mood while getting off work. and it didn't help that he ignored my text messages all day. but i was out of line, and i guess i was just pushing his limits to see how far i could go. very childish of me. at first though, he was taking it al very well, my yelling at him for no reason and getting in his face... yeah he was actually attempting to be nice to me even though i was being a bitch.
then he finally got fed up and left the house to go smoke. when he got back he acted like nothing happened and continued to be nice to me.
that really confused me. normally he's not like that. he's got a short fuse, as do i. it doesn't take much for me to say to piss him off real good. but this time, he was cool, clam, and collective.

i appreciated it. and then i felt dumb for acting like a spoiled little hoar. lol.

ouch. my back hurts.
i'll be back. maybe. ;)

by the way. i appreciate the comments stargazr!!! i love your feedback, and your blog as well!!!!